It is what it is

So... Someone said to me...I can feel sadness in you when i hug you.

Why are you sad - i was asked ? What burden are you carrying and why ? Get it off ! Get rid of it. You can't be sad like this. Not when i'm hugging you. Not ever.

You have to ensure that you take care of it - by eliminating it.

I don't get to hug you enough and i definitely cannot be feeling sadness, when i do get one.

I'm told that i'm the responsible one. That i have things to do, places to go, people to meet, children to take care of. That i can't let it affect my life. That i have to address it.

But i just can't. It's interwoven with the very fabric of my being.

I was told - You have to be mindful of the mind. The same way you take care of your body - you have to take care of your mind. It's important.

But do i really take care of myself at all ? Eyewash, maybe.

I eat everything under the sun. I hog sweet stuff all the time. I binge on ice cream and chocolates too.

You are being negligent. You owe yourself and Princess to take care of yourself. Her well being is directly in your hands. You are doing a disservice to her, when you are not taking care of yourself. Having happy parents is important for her.

But does she really need me to take care of her ? She's mature for her age, i think. And, after a while, kids don't need to be taken care of. They grow up on their own. I should know. My siblings and I did.

Keep your mind healthy and happy. Not distracted, but happy. And you haven't been happy in a very long time. You need to deal with your emotions. This sweeping under the rug thing is not sustainable. Process your feelings.

I do. I really do. And its true - some of them go under the rug. Some of them are locked up in a box and tucked away in a corner of my brain. Some of them are discarded. Most of them remain with me though - day in and out. I mean - why should i share ? What's the point ? Aren't you supposed to share happy memories and thoughts and spread joy. Who wants to listen to shitty stuff and spread sorrow. Maybe whatever i write here is enough for sharing...Read into it what you will.

You are averse to outsiders. You are an introvert. Talking is not easy. I get it. But you have to deal with it.

I do try. I really do. Unsuccessfully though...mostly.

I do try to maintain a positive outlook towards life. Think mostly positive thoughts. I don't speak negative stuff. I try to keep a smile on my face. Keep it that way most of the time.

Most of what is written above aren't really reasons or answers or clarifications or whatever...

What do i say ? What do i do ?

How do i explain this ?

What's the reason behind my sadness and that it's irreversible...

That it's become a part of me...part of who i am...part of my DNA, my genetic make up.

There is no easy answer for this.

There is no straight answer for this.

There is no remedy for this.

It is what it is.